I wish I could join in with some of the conversations my friends have. The “Ha ha I told my mum I want to be a nun and she screamed hallelujah and praised towards the sky!” But I can’t because my mum isn’t here. It’s her fault, she was the one who wanted to drink. I don’t want to stand awkwardly with my friends having nothing to say just because my mum was a raging alcoholic, but i have to. I love my mum to pieces but she didn’t think of the consequences of what she did. She never even thought it would kill her. Hell, neither did I.

When i was around 8, i remember writing a letter to my mum, asking her to stop drinking, so her and dad can live together again and our family can be a proper family like my friends had. But I kept screwing the paper up and rewriting it and i never gave her the letter. I always think about what might have changed if she had gotten that letter. No eight year old should have to have burdens like that on their minds.

I want to wake up on Sunday, and run to my dads bedroom to wake my mum up to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, instead of walking down to the cemetery and sitting on the ground where her casket is buried.

I want to take her out for the most expensive meal I can afford, even though she would be happy with a burger, sat in front of the TV watching family fortunes with me. I want to spoil her and tell her how much I love her every second of the day and how my life wold be a misery without her. I want to fight and argue with her, and tell her i hate her and slam doors, because thats what mothers and daughters do. I wanted her to be at my prom, stood with all the other mums, telling me I look beautiful instead of “Your Mum would be so proud of you” from the other parents. I want her to be here.

People always ask if it gets better with time. I lost my Mum when i was 9. I’m 18 now and it still hurts like it was yesterday, so no, it doesn’t get better.

It’s true that people don’t know whats in front of them until they lose it. So please, look after your Mum, let her know she’s special and beautiful. And cherish every moment you have.